Groundhog uprising shocks community
Elizabeth Schuth
Feature Editor
February 2, 2023
Punxsutawney Phil, the renowned clairvoyant, was found at the scene of a mass explosion of fireworks at Gobblers Knob surrounded by an army of groundhogs.
The groundhogs were protesting for fair working conditions and the right to unionize as they believe is granted to them under the first amendment. The protesters prevented the annual celebrations of Groundhog Day and threatened to take any spectators as political prisoners. According to some reports calls for rights have expanded to all rodents at the request of a close and personal friend of Phil’s: the Easter Bunny.
“This event no longer marks the end of winter and the beginning of spring,” groundhog Punxsutawney Penelope said. “This is the birth of a whole new season … not a mere shadow but an eternal season of groundhog liberation!”
Plotting Phil: Punxsautawney Phil addresses his groundhog army instructing them to show not a shadow of mercy.
After the fireworks, Phil led his army into the town of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, and swiftly seized power. Town leaders are being held captive in makeshift groundhog holes to await trial. Planning for the revolution began a few months ago by Phil subtly brainwashing the citizens of Punxsutawney into believing that groundhogs were spreading a highly volatile form of Rabies. Through his efforts, the weaponless groundhogs were able to overthrow Punxsutawney using only fear tactics.
“I’ve just never experienced something like this before,” Phil Connors said. “Every morning when I wake up it’s the same thing over, and over, and over again, groundhog after groundhog. It's really a nightmare.”
While the uprising certainly took some by surprise, for Groundhogologists it was only a matter of time. Groundhogs have a long-standing feud with mankind. Even Groundhog’s Day began as a massive feast where as many as 30 of Phil’s ancestors were consumed. Historically, tensions reached an all-time high when a human skeleton was found outside a major groundhog burrow. Historians speculate that Phil’s recent induction into the meteorologist hall of fame caused him to act on his vendetta.
“The signs were all there,” Thomas Dunkel, head of the Groundhog Club said through tears. “One day you’re holding him up for all the world to see and next thing you know he’s reading Marx and then he’s holding you for ransom … he’s just so grown up. I couldn’t be more proud.”