Audrey Roeder
Staff Writer
May 27, 2024
As we all know final exams are coming up which can bring lots of anxiety and stress. So I’ve come up with a foolproof list to help prepare for and ace your final exams. If you’re a senior, lucky for you, this list does not apply to you.
1. Disregard all your review material:
The weeks leading up to finals are always the worst. They’re filled with stress and cramming a whole bunch of review material into your head. What I’d recommend to avoid this stress by simply throwing away or deleting any and all review material your teacher provides to you. While some of you may think this is useful material, it is not. The truth is your teacher gives you this material to trick you and throw you off track for your test.
2. Pull an all-nighter:
I know you’ve probably heard to “get a good night’s sleep” before your final exam, but I’m here to tell you that you don’t need 8+ hours of sleep, or any at all. The best thing to do is to stay awake all night and keep your brain active. I’ve found that the best way to do this is to play video games all night as it keeps your brain stimulated for hours.
3. Replace pillows with school supplies:
If you’re lame and decide to go to sleep make sure you remove all your pillows from your bed and replace them with your folders, notebooks, binders, and what have you for your tests the following day. This allows all the information to soak into your brain so you don’t have to study!
4. Eat a healthy breakfast:
Although some people like to have a “hearty” breakfast the morning of the exam, I’ve found a white lightning Monster is much more effective. I’ve also found that it is crucial to add some laxatives to your Monster because it will drain your system so all of your energy and brain power is focused on your test and not on your digestive system.
Pro Tip: Eat an entire pack of Skittles (the party size of course) instead of eggs, bacon, toast, etc.
5. Taco Bell Nacho Fries:
If for some reason the Skittles did not fill you up or you did not follow my advice to eat them I have another recommendation. On your way to school stop at Taco Bell and fuel up with the nacho fries. However, regardless if you decide to stop at Taco Bell or not it’s important that you arrive at school late as your teachers will give you extra credit, so I’d advise you to make an extended pit stop somewhere along the way to school.
6. Stay energized during your exams:
You may have heard that healthy carbs such as nuts are a good food to keep you energized, but I’ve found this to be false. In my experience, the best and most effective way to stay energized during your tests is to drink more White Lightning Monster (not a sponsor). You may be asking yourself, “Would the Monster I had for breakfast not be enough?” No, it will not be enough. The only way to ensure that your energy levels stay at 100% is to do the following.
At the start of your first test pull out another White Lightning Monster and chug it as fast as possible. The amazing thing about this drink is that it has a brain-stimulating memorization potion in it, but the only way it can be activated is by chugging it, so I’d get to chugging. Then at the start of your second exam chug a third one in case the potion starts to wear off.
Pro Tip: Stanely girls, two of the white lightning monster cans is the perfect amount to fill your Stanley to the brim. However, do be careful not to drink the entire thing during your first test.
7. The “ABACADABA” trick:
So far I’ve given great tips on how to prepare for your exams, but this wouldn’t be a helpful story if I didn’t give you any tips for actually taking the test.
My first tip is for those of you taking multiple-choice exams. The foolproof way to ace all your multiple-choice exams is to follow the “ABACADABA” pattern. This is because every teacher in the school is required to use the ABACADABA pattern and nothing else. So when you are filling out your scantron or your regular MC test simply bubble in your answers starting at A then B then A and so on until you use all of “ABACADABA”. Once you’ve used the whole pattern just repeate it starting at A again.
8. Definitely don’t bribe your teachers:
This method can be a bit expensive, but worth it (total amount of $25-$125). Before your exam stop at the bank and make a deposit of $25 dollars for each final exam you have. Then on the day of the exam bring it to school with you and take your test like normal (this method is so effective you could even leave all the questions blank). Before turning your test in, paperclip the $25 dollars to your test. Your teachers will see this bribe and immediately give you a 100%.
9. Free Response Questions:
If you have a free response portion on your test you MUST plan ahead (I’d recommend starting a month in advance). This tip may seem a little lengthy and unnecessary but I promise you it’s worth it. The first thing you are going to do is hire a tutor that is very knowledgeable in the course in which your test is on. Then, bribe, blackmail, kidnap, etc. the tutor and force them to agree to take that portion of the test for you. However, if you and your ‘twin’ have any physical differences such as hair length or color, you must change it IMMEDIATELY (the resemblance between the two of you should be uncanny).
On the day of the test, you will need to sneak them into the building and hide them in the bathroom closets to your exam room and lock them in there. Once it comes time to do the free response portion, ask the teacher to use the bathroom. If they decline insist it’s an emergency (you can blame it on the Taco Bell or laxatives). If they continue to decline then start freaking out, which will cause a disruption in the class, this forces them to let you out of the room to stop the disturbance. After you get out of the class go to the bathroom and switch places with your twin. Then send them into you class room and they will go take the free response portion for you and if you get in trouble for your disturbance they will be forced to take the blame for you.
Although I’m not saying you have to follow all of these tests and you could use your own methods like actually studying, I’d say I’m pretty experienced in the final exam field. So if you do want to get an A on every single test just follow my tips, it's a lot easier than actually trying.